Here we go.
I want to be perfectly clear from the jump that this blog is written about myself to myself and is intended for myself as a learning tool and a means to reflect. Unless explicitly stated, when I say “I” or “you” I am referring to the same person. Unless explicitly stated, everything written here is my opinion, informed or otherwise.
If you find value in something that I’ve written, then I am honored to have played a part in that.
If you find something that I say to be inaccurate, know that you are observing an idiot talking to an idiot so hold your breath and hope they get to the answer on their own — I have comments turned off anyway.
In all seriousness, this is an open forum in which I am putting myself on display as candidly as I can manage and this endeavor that I am starting on is all about accountability.
I’ve got a problem
I realize that one of my biggest problems when it comes to finding success in personal projects and pursuits stems from not having to answer to anyone when I give up or screw up. When you learn to ignore or bury the shame that accompanies those failures, there are no more stakes involved or consequences left to face.
That’s a problem.
It’s a problem primarily because you start to get comfortable in not getting sh-stuff done – which isn’t great for reasons that are self-evident. I feel like there is another, less-apparent but equally important problem that accumulates over time in that even though you’ve managed to ignore or otherwise avoid resolving the feelings of shame or self-loathing that grow on you with each failed pursuit or project you’ve not seen through, they haven’t gone anywhere. The weight of the unfulfilled, unsatisfied passion and enthusiasm lingers. When that burden accumulates, you may start to find yourself formulating excuses that prevent you from even starting something new. You begin getting the failure out of the way before you’ve had a chance to put any effort in.
I’ve tried a few of things to hold myself accountable. I thought that maybe if I told friends what I was working on that the pressure of knowing that the idea was out there was enough to keep me on track. That and, because everyone else feels the same enthusiasm for my ideas that I do, they would all be checking in, asking for the latest details of my development efforts. In actuality, you just get the smile, nod and “oh that sounds cool” because they’ve heard it from you time and time before but have yet to see you actually produce anything.
I’ve got another problem
There is another detrimental tendency of mine that I need to get out in the open: when I feel overwhelmed, in this context when the scope of a project has grown to a level that is seemingly unmanageable or when a project may require a skill set that I don’t possess, I tend to start looking for a reason to justify abandoning it. It really is a tricky problem and here is why:
When I start to make a game, the first thing I do is identify the core components and try to build a working proof of concept. That proof of concept is used as a benchmark to weed out shitty ideas. Sometimes the idea is great but it just doesn’t work in practice the way you had imagined it or it just doesn’t feel as good as you were hoping. The problem is tricky because it is easy to interject a weak or illegitimate reason as to why something doesn’t merit pursuing because ultimately you are judging a creative work. I can tell myself “It’s not that fun” without reproach because fun is subjective when really I was just overwhelmed at the prospect of having to learn Blender in order to fulfill that vision.
So what am I going to do about it?
It’s kinda obvious at this point but I wanted to use another header: I am going to take my planning and development process and put them out in the open.
It’s easier to attain success when you set your goals and milestones so that they can be achieved not just when you happen to be feeling motivated — a feeling most often responsible for goal-setting behavior — but also at levels that are attainable on your off times, your down times, your I-just-don’t-feel-like-I-care-enough-about-it-right-now times. That being said, here is what I am committing to:
I am committing to, at minimum, two monthly posts.
I intend to post about my development process but if I go through a spell where I can’t find time to work on things, I intend to work through addressing that problem here as well. Two is a low number but its an attainable number. I will hope for and work toward more as I begin to dedicate more time to development.
Sounds good, what’s next?
Next, I pick a goal and a project to start on.
Well, I’ve already done that bit but I still need to write about that process and how I came to that decision. It’s going to be a fun one and an easy one, something to cut my teeth on and harden my process so stay tuned.